Other Random Mom: points at my preschooler. He's so cute.
Me: Thanks. He's a tyrant. He's lucky he's cute.
ORM: Yeah, mine too. I'm just finally getting him to sleep through the night, can you believe it. He's almost five.
Me: That sounds horrible.
ORM: It is. It's horrible. He's actually horrible.
Me: Oh, mine's horrible, too. He's four, too, so…
ORM: Pretty sure mine will still be horrible when he's five. And probably beyond that. Probably til he's 18.
ORM: Yeah. Probably his whole life judging by his commitment to assholery now.
Me: He does seem fully committed.
ORM: Oh. Sorry about that. He spits. And bites. He's pretty much feral. I can't take him anywhere.
Me: Mine hasn't really bit people yet, but there's still time.
ORM: There's totally time.
Me: Scads of it. Nothing but time around here.
ORM: Except when there's no time, you know? Like ever. No time to get my work done, do the laundry…
Me: Shave your legs…
ORM: Change your underwear…
Me: Well, there are limits.
ORM: Not really. I mean, I guess.
Me: pulls my kid off the top of the monkey bars. So, you work? What do you do?
ORM: I'm a sales rep. I can choose my hours, so I try to work when he naps.
We both laugh until we cry.
Me: I'm a writer. I write books for teenagers. And business stuff.
ORM: Cool. Hey. Have you seen anything good on Netflix lately? I'm looking for something new to watch.
Me: Stares blankly.
ORM: You're not on Netflix.
Me: Oh no. I mean, I am. I just cannot remember anything I've watched on Netflix in the last six months.
ORM: Haha! Mom brain.
Me: It would be funny if it weren't so sad.
ORM: I know. I used to know things.
Me: Important things.
ORM: Yeah. Things outside of the color of my kid's last poop.
Me: What were those things we used to know?
ORM: Things like places to shop where you cannot also buy food.
Me: I haven't been to the mall in seven years. If I can't buy it in Target…
ORM: …it ain't worth buying.
Me: The outright stress of taking three kids to the mall. I mean. Come ON.
ORM: Yeah. Not gonna happen. Plus, there's the time thing.
Me: Back to that.
ORM: Yeah, I guess I circle around a bit.
Me: I'm circling the drain.
ORM: Aren't we all.
We both push our kids on the swings.
Me: Hey, wanna grab lunch some time? You know, like some time after we drop off the kids? Before the craziness of the workday sets in?
ORM: Sure. Let me just find a spare hour in the day to do that.
We look at each other. Burst into hysterics.